Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
She: I like Cats
He:
☠️☠️☠️
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.