A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
You Might Also Like
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.