Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
wait.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater