I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds