Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
You Might Also Like
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
#dnd #ttrpg
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around