“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My boss called in sick of me
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.