Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I unironically love this joke.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?