*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
sensitive skin
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.