My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky