Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio