{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger