[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.