Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Can’t stop laughing
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: