🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT