“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
FINE, I WON’T.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared