Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”