*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.