“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Good news
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club