Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.