DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Don’t talk down to me
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.