[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do