My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
So we got a goldfish…
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.