Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.