feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.