Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
house sitting!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
broke down and did it
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine