Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Real House Wines.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Based Erika
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun