bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.