Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice