If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A woman drives into a bar.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.