I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
honestly, i need both:
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??