[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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