HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.