Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”