Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.