craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango