*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I don’t know what to do
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court