SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds