hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.