The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”