Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
They did not miss in the small print
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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