Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.