i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
What if all the cashiers are married?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open