When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
You Might Also Like
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too