Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod