A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Cardio Made Easy
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
nice challenge
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged