This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
A wise man once said nothing.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.