“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
When someone says you are so lazy
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
wtf management?!
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol