Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)