Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
This bar smells like my childhood.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.