I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.